Origin of the helmet and title

First, thanks for all the positive feedback! You all rock my socks!

Secondly, I’ve realized I have yet to explain the title of my blog. Stay with me here because we must travel back a bit and take some leaps in time to fully understand. As many of you are aware I have zero warning before a seizure. Zero warning means no time to sit down or brace myself. Although I’m relatively unscathed, which we shall discuss at some point in the future. Having no warning means I am frequently covered in bumps and bruises. I originally absolutely hated and completely dismissed the idea of wearing a helmet. For me it represented so many things I was absolutely not ready for. In my opinion wearing the helmet makes my previously invisible illness visible. Wearing the helmet meant I had to come to some level of acceptance that this was my new reality. I was terrified of how people would react to me wearing a helmet all the time. (Thanks a lot anxiety!)

Step one for me was realizing I need to do something about the frequent and multiple concussions. In case you’re not aware, concussions are cumulative. That means every time they last a little longer and honestly hurt a bit more in my opinion. Without having any protection for noggin, I spent quite a bit of time looking like this…

In November of 2013, a year of lots of bumps and bruises, a friend of mine came up with a pretty solid idea. Enter “the padded hat”

While you may be confused, this hat did a pretty decent job. It’s a north face beanie that I modified. I cut a slit on the inside of the brim and I don’t remember exactly what I used, but picture strips of plushy fabric. With several layers of padding in the brim this worked great. Except when it was too hot to wear in which case I went without. Not my best plan, but I still could never see myself wearing a helmet all the time. This plan of attacked “worked” until mid-Nov 2016. Up to this point I was concerned about the damage I was still doing, but frankly I was stubborn and scared to wear a helmet.

Let me set the scene for you. It’s mid-Nov I’m Christmas shopping downtown. I decide to take a starbucks break. I’m in starbucks, I have no idea which one. I do know this particular starbucks had marble floors. I of course pass out and fall backwards. Falling backwards meant my padded hat was of no help. Imagine the brim across my forehead then diagonally down to the base of my skull. I hit the back of my head too far up for the padding in the back to be of any use. Up to that point the resulting concussion was simply the worst I’ve ever had. It scared the shit out of me. I couldn’t see or walk straight for about a week. Every single movement was incredibly exhausting and foreign as if I’d never brushed my teeth or used stairs. We shall say I was scared straight. Enter the helmet…

The picture above was the night I received my helmet. The very first time I tried it on. As you can see I was not impressed. If I was going to commit to this every single day it certainly needed some sprucing up! Cue some incredibly awesome artsy friends!

This is the left side of my helmet. Just keep swimming is from the movie finding nemo. The basic meaning here is just keep going. The you look gorgeous in quotations is a quote from my father. The very first day I went out into the world with my helmet I was standing in my living room having an internal panic attack. My dad said, “you look gorgeous in that helmet.” That’s all and everything I needed to hear in that moment. The semicolon is a replica of the semicolon tattoo I have behind my left ear. The semicolon represents a place in a sentence where the author could have stopped, but chose not to. The sentence that semi colon refers to is my life and the author myself. It’s a reminder to myself that I survived a suicide attempt. The important part of the last sentence was survived. We will discuss this more later.

That’s a picture of the back of the helmet. The top says ask don’t assume. This is a message to others. I was absolutely terrified of the way people treat me once I put on this helmet. It’s my reminder to others that they shouldn’t assume and should feel free to ask. Spoonie warrior is a reference to spoon theory. It reminds me that I’m a chronic illness warrior not just someone suffering.

The med alert left wrist means my medical alert bracelet is on my left wrist. Since I’m such a smart cookie I put this on the right side of my helmet. My theory is that if I’m lying on my left side possibly covering the medical alert someone will see the helmet and vice versa. The ribbon is the official PNES ribbon. It’s a combination of the epilepsy and PTSD ribbons. AFK stands for always keep fighting. The actor, Jared Padalecki, launched this campaign. I believe the title doesn’t require explanation.

Now that your familiar with the helmet, the title of the blog is a mix of self-deprecating humor and alliteration.